Oops, slow down

"Time for rest" is what my doctor told me yesterday. For the past few weeks I have been busy helping my friend take care of her house and children. She works very hard, and it is my pleasure to step in and offer assistance. Her own health was in jeapardy just a few weeks ago, but by throwing all my attention into helping her, she recovered rapidly. Unfortunately, I let myself deteriorate in the process, and my asthma flared up at the beginning of the week. First it was a sore throat, and then I lost my voice. My doctor at that time suspected a viral infection and prescribed me to use my inhalers regularly from now on. But as the week progressed, I just got worse.

I took my friend to get her own medical tests completed but did not realize I was the one who was getting sick. Finally on Thursday night, I found just carrying the kids up stairs in her house left me winded and weak. I suspected that I was tired from a lack of sleep. Friday I had to go see my doctor again because my eyes were burning and bluring. He listened to my chest and checked my throat and eyes, only to reveal to me that I appear to have developed pnemonia. Wonderful. He prescribed powerful antibotics and told me to rest! That if I got worse, to go to emergency at the hospital. Now that was a disappointment. I was glad to learn the reason for my exhaustion and pain.

I took the first dose of my antibotics that evening and within a few hours, I was feeling a bit of improvement. My voice grew a bit stronger, my breathing was not as labored. My eyes did not burn as much. These were good things. When I told my friend what the doctor said, she was very compassionate and concerned for me. I intend to beat this, and get well as soon as possible. At the beginning of the week, I have to return to the doctor and get a chest x-ray. Oh, well, what can I do.

Sometimes, doing so much for others can cause unforseen problems in my own life. This time, it was caught early I hope.

Take time to breathe

Yesterday was difficult if not painful to my body. For some reason, this viral infection that took away my voice, took opportunity to grow stronger. I awoke with practically no voice at all, and my asthma attack was severe. Did I say awoke? Foolish statement, I think I slept a total of 1 and a half hours total that night. I couldn't breathe, my throat ached, so did my body. So rest was something I did not luxuriate in. Slipped out to the coffee shop to try to put a bit of a spark in my brain. The sun was out all day and hot. A true summer day.

Feeling fatigued, and needing time to relax, I went for a walk down by the lakeshore in the sun. That was a short walk, but when I am not up to my normal potential, it was difficult. At least I enjoyed some fresh air and sunshine. Of course, another coffee was necessary to keep me going. By then it was late afternoon. I drove down to the park to watch the people stroll along the pier, myself included. Finally went to the mall and browsed through books at Chapter's. This was when I received a call from my friend who told me her van was almost empty of gas. She cannot pump gas. Yup, me to the rescue. Of course, with two kids in the van, it was the least I could do.

She has very little income so I try to help out when I can. This time, I gased up her van for her, not allowing her to pay at all. We took the kids to the park to play before going home. Two more days of school. The kids are excited. It took a lot to put them to sleep, but it finally happened. My head was exploding with pain, and my body ached, so I went home to recover my sanity and sleep. Tomorrow, I am taking her to the doctor for tests she has scheduled. Then we have a special program at school for one of her kids.

Ah, summertime and living is easy???? Maybe somewhere, but not in my world.

Ouch

Wow does my throat hurt. I woke up today with laryngitis, nothing but a squeak of a voice. Fortunately, I had a doctor appointment today. How is that for timing. Being sick when going to the doctor. Usually, I feel better by the time I get to see my doctor. After some coffee and a couple of hours, I was able to use my voice a bit.

I went to see my doctor, and he told me I have an infection, possibly viral. Of course, my asthma is acting up terribly, coughing a lot and it's hard to swallow and I feel weak. He prescribed new inhalers for me, since I have not been using them in years. It is time to use that which can help me feel better, especially breathe better.

We went shopping to pass the time, and the picked up the kids. Another evening of action and adventure with these two children, made for a wonderful ending to the day. After putting them to bed, which was not easy, we sat outside and talked till late. My throat was so sore, I finally said goodnight and left for home. I hope I have a better voice tomorrow.

Tired

My God, what a busy day. I headed over to my friend's home to help her with the yard work. After a slow start to the day, I went out to mow her lawn in the hot sun. Hard though I might be, I just enjoy fixing up her property. Yes it was hard work, but worth every minute, just to see the joy in her eyes.

Her children love me to death, always wanting me to carry them around in my arms. I have to be the father figure for them. Their mother is spoiling me now by cooking wonderful meals for me at the end of the day. She practically purrs with satisfaction when I eat the food she prepares. Not wanting me to go hungry, she actually wants me to eat up the left overs so she does not have to throw anything away. Do you think she is becoming fond of me?

After I finished the lawn, an intense thunderstorm blew in and unloaded heavy rain and hail on their home. The lightening was very close, and the thunder deafening, as the kids cried and climbed into my lap. They looked to me for support amongst the turmoil of all hell breaking loose.

Tonight I put together a new flooring cover in the girls bedroom. It had been a long day, and the more I got accomplished in their home, the happier everyone became. I was very tired at the end of the day. My voice is gone, I am sleepy, and hoping it is just congestion from the dust the storm blew in today.

Alert

Today when I arrived at my friends home, I found her kneeling at the top of her staircase, holding a wad of toilet paper against her right ear. It was red with blood and I was immediately eager get inside. He daughter was on the stairs yelling to me to come in, but she had to unlock the door first. What I found was two very distraught kids and my wounded friend in shock.

She had been vaccuming the stairs when the vaccum cleaner fell on top of her, hitting her on the ear. It had torn her ear ring out, tearing her earlob. She was in a lot of pain, and I was glad to be there. Apparently it had just happened minutes before I arrived. Her bleeding had stopped, but the hit on her head left her a bit disoriented for a while. The kids were so glad I was there. They had seen their mother suffer physical abuse from their father for many years and are very sensitive to any pain she feels. They see me as their protector and someone they can trust. They know I will never hurt them.

After a bit of rest, and lots of time to reassure the kids, she was ok, life started to return to normal. Asside from a painful ear, and jaw, she was feeling much better. After so many years of being beaten, she has developed great pain tollerance. The earlob never did swell, and closed up on it's own, so she did not want to see a doctor.

The rest of the day was spent with the kids down by the lake, letting them have fun at the playground. We just sat and rested, watching them play. She feels safe with me. That evening, we all enjoyed a wonderful, yet simple dinner together, before putting the tired kids to bed.

Well another day of adventure began by attending my friend's son's kindergarten graduation program. Her sister also attended and we sat together like proud parents, watching the program. It was so special to see tiny 6 yr old kids file in to the music of pomp and circumstance. They had black paper caps with tassles as well. The best part was then he was called forward to receive his diploma from his teacher. Of course, I took pictures. After that, there had to be a bit of playtime in the playground.

My friend had to go to work cleaning a house for the next 6 hours, so I took her sister out for lunch before returning her to her own apartment. She does not work. I decided it was time for me to go for a walk so I went down to the lakeshore and walked in the sun, getting more sunburn in the process. By early evening, I received a call from her to come pick up her and the kids to go to the playground at the lake. It was warm and they were eager to have some fun before the end of the day. We stayed till dark. Later on I got the kids ready for bed, and read each of them a long bedtime story. I don't think their mom will ever give me a hug. I just give up expecting and appreciation and leave quickly.

Today I started the day with a workout at the gym. Felt I needed to spend some quality time working on my body in order to appreciate the new clothes I have purchased. It was exhausting, but worth every minute of the three and a half hours I spent there. Nothing as wonderful as a long hot sauna after weight training. It relaxes the muscles as nicely as a deep massage.

Later in the day, I headed over to my friends house to help her go get a table and chair set. I had to remove the bench seats from her van so they could fit. That was not easy to do by myself. We just made it back in time to pick up the kids from daycare and took them to the mall to get a toy before heading home. Since the van was still full of furniture, I waited until they fell asleep before going to unload. Late at night, in the dim light, I stuggled to bring the table and chairs in to the house. Then the hard part was to put the heavy bench seats back into the van. Of course, they were only about 50 feet away on the porch. Nothing as enjoyable as carrying a 100 lb seat down stairs to the van and installing in the dark.

Now a little compassion would go a long way, but she was rather blunt about my weiry look. Since I collapsed in the chair and was breathing hard, she thought I needed an ambulance and threatened to call one. I assured her I was just physically wiped and needed to rest a while. She pushed and inquired, until I admitted my disability to her. An autoimmune disease called Myasthenia Gravis, a rapid weakening of the muscles. It affects my vision and voice as well. She told me I should not have done the work I did, and that is frightened her. I assured her I just needed to sit and rest a bit.

She told me to go home and sleep. She does not remember how weak she was just a couple of weeks ago when she was sick. At that time, I told her she now knows how I feel every day. Just that she has forgotten what I told her already. I left quietly and said nothing. Why do I put up with so much. She openly told me she thought nothing of my work tonight, since the abusive father of her kids had been a very strong guy, and could do all I did without even breathing heavy. What a horrible comparison to make. I felt like crap and left.

Extreme makeover

Holy cow, what a day. I just spent a thousand dollars on new glasses and clothes. My friend spent the day shopping with me. She is hot and has wonderful style in clothes, not to mention glasses. She told me my glasses were outdated and so were my clothes, so off we went to change my look. She helped me pick out some top of the line glasses you would see on movie stars. They changed my look immediately. She told me not to skimp on my face, cause it's the first, and most important feature any woman sees. These glasses transform me from lame to exciting. Really? I hope so.

We went shopping for new clothes cause all my clothes are too baggy since I lost weight after joining the gym and eating right. I picked out new designer jeans that are waist size 34! Wow, I have not had this size on since I was 25 years old. My ass looks pretty good in these jeans. She picked out some shorts, then a couple of shirts and a pair of sandles to completed the wardrobe for today. All told, I spent lots of money without reservation, because it was time for me to treat myself well for a change. I never spend money on me until this day. When I pick up my glasses in a week, I am going to look like George Clooney, sort of. This is what she calls me now.

I owe her big now. No matter, for she is kinda special. She needs help now and then and her kids love me. The least I can do, to help her make ends meet. She works so hard trying to earn enough income to pay the mortgage and feed and clothe the kids.

Tonight I read them a bedtime story and put them both to bed. I feel like a father to them. What will the future hold? Does it matter? I am enjoying life more and more each day. Just wait till we do the big reveal one day soon. New clothes, new glasses, she even wants to change the color of my hair and beard. She must be kidding. Now that would be an experience. Needless to say, I need to go to the gym tomorrow.

June 16, 2008

Today I went to the optometrist to have my peripheral vision checked. My eye sight is worstening due to nerve damage, so my doctor encourages me to get my eyes checked frequently. Just another change happening in my life. To encourage myself after, I went to the gym to weight train for 3 hours. When I go to execise, I do it with passion and determination to succeed. It works. Since Nov. of 2007, I have attended the gym 4 or 5 times each week, and my body has changed. I've lost over 25 lbs. and have been building muscle mass that makes me look much younger than I really am. Nobody believes my age when I tell them. Eating right and execising sure pay off. My friend called me to encourage me. She is trying to transform me into a new and better man, a real ladies man as she says. Got me growing a go tee and side burns, practicing being confident, and passionate about life and the things I do. She is tough on me, but it is for my own good. Today she told me she has seen some good changes in me over the past few weeks. My positive attitude and confidence is making an impact on her. Look out world, here I come.

Father's Day

Today I spent the day with the six year old son of my close friend. He has no father in his life and has chosen me as his role model. We played ball for hours, and I carried him on my back and shoulders everywhere. At six years of age, I have become his substitute father figure. His mother has no desire for a relationship in her life again. This makes for a friendship that can never grown beyond platonic.

Sometimes it is hard to remain distant, for she never says much or offers even a hug for the many things I do. She calls me her special friend, but it is just a label in my mind. If I was so special, at least offer a hug once in a while. Don't be cold and distant when your children are loving and affectionate.

The kids have asked repeatedly for me to stay the night with them for they feel safe when I am around. Their mother has made up the story for them that I am staying the night, but have to leave very early in the morning before they wake up. This way, they are tricked into believing I am there when they fall asleep but later I slip out the door. I just dread the time the kids find out what she said was not true. That they will not find me there when they need me. I seem to live in a make believe life sometimes. There has to be more to life than living a dream.

June 14, 2008

Sometimes I wonder if I allow myself to be used just to feel needed. Since my marriage failed 4 & 1/2 years ago, finding companionship in this busy world seems more difficult. Perhaps I have forgotten how to meet up with ladies, or just don't feel adventurous enough, I am not sure. I do know that life can be lonely sometimes.

Just this past week, I have been very busy taking care of a single mom friend of mine who is struggling through life. She works a frantic pace, self employed and it takes all her time and energy. Yet she still manages to support herself and her two young children. Just a week ago, she suffered a concussion and was forced to stop working for a week. This was my time to come to her rescue. Taking care of the kids, cleaning the house, driving her to the store, fixing things in her home, as well as doing doing the lawn and garden. The kids, a girl age 7, and a boy age 6, have adopted me as their uncle. Their own father was physically abusive, a thief, and abandoned them.

Yesterday, I came to her rescue again, helping clean her house, shop for food, as well as help prepare for a visit from her extended family. It is not something I do with expectation, but because I am a helper/supporter by nature. Though the day is long and tiresome, I continue to push on and clean up after the meal and do the dishes. She never takes my hand or gives me a hug like the kids do.

Physical contact is not common with her. Since the abusive father of her kids beat her brutally and tried to kill her, she is afraid of men. Though I might want to give her a hug at times, I resist since she has shown great discomfort in the past. We are best friends, but sometimes I feel alone when I am with her. More like a physicologist listening to her unload her memories and fears.

I am looking for someone who loves life and enjoys doing things together besides cleaning the house. Sometimes I would rather leave and go somewhere else, but when she calls, I end up helping her. Am I being used? Probably, but since I am alone, it makes me feel worthwhile in this lonely world.

Every day I try to become a better person mentally and physically. The gym is my playground indoors, but getting outside is my passion. I spend most of my day outside walking everywhere. It has paid off with physical benefits. My weight is down to 185 lbs. My confidence has grown as my muscle are strong from weight training. Now if I can only find someone who shares these passions, life can grown more enjoyable. Sometimes it would be nice to go out to dinner, walk by the lakeshore, or sit in the park and talk and laugh with a woman who is not afraid to be physically affectionate.