June 14, 2008

Sometimes I wonder if I allow myself to be used just to feel needed. Since my marriage failed 4 & 1/2 years ago, finding companionship in this busy world seems more difficult. Perhaps I have forgotten how to meet up with ladies, or just don't feel adventurous enough, I am not sure. I do know that life can be lonely sometimes.

Just this past week, I have been very busy taking care of a single mom friend of mine who is struggling through life. She works a frantic pace, self employed and it takes all her time and energy. Yet she still manages to support herself and her two young children. Just a week ago, she suffered a concussion and was forced to stop working for a week. This was my time to come to her rescue. Taking care of the kids, cleaning the house, driving her to the store, fixing things in her home, as well as doing doing the lawn and garden. The kids, a girl age 7, and a boy age 6, have adopted me as their uncle. Their own father was physically abusive, a thief, and abandoned them.

Yesterday, I came to her rescue again, helping clean her house, shop for food, as well as help prepare for a visit from her extended family. It is not something I do with expectation, but because I am a helper/supporter by nature. Though the day is long and tiresome, I continue to push on and clean up after the meal and do the dishes. She never takes my hand or gives me a hug like the kids do.

Physical contact is not common with her. Since the abusive father of her kids beat her brutally and tried to kill her, she is afraid of men. Though I might want to give her a hug at times, I resist since she has shown great discomfort in the past. We are best friends, but sometimes I feel alone when I am with her. More like a physicologist listening to her unload her memories and fears.

I am looking for someone who loves life and enjoys doing things together besides cleaning the house. Sometimes I would rather leave and go somewhere else, but when she calls, I end up helping her. Am I being used? Probably, but since I am alone, it makes me feel worthwhile in this lonely world.

Every day I try to become a better person mentally and physically. The gym is my playground indoors, but getting outside is my passion. I spend most of my day outside walking everywhere. It has paid off with physical benefits. My weight is down to 185 lbs. My confidence has grown as my muscle are strong from weight training. Now if I can only find someone who shares these passions, life can grown more enjoyable. Sometimes it would be nice to go out to dinner, walk by the lakeshore, or sit in the park and talk and laugh with a woman who is not afraid to be physically affectionate.